omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
