apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
