my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
