Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Randomize
