After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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