Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
