I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Say something about gay babies.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
