what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
