Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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