Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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