You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
