I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
