Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I think I sprained my soul last night
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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