u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
