I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
