It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
