I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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