If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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