Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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