Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
