Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
