I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
