i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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