girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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