Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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