I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
