____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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