Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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