just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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