I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I smell like Dick and happiness
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
