I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
