in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I can't put those talents on a resume
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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