i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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