i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
