New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
