Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
