eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
