So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
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