Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
