girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
