I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
