he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
