Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
