I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
