Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
