I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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