you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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