Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
