This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
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Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
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You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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