I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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