Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It was confusing and full of hummus
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
