apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
