god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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