dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
