id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
