Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize