i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
