i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
