so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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