well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize